


The Horny and the Smart

by 10moonymhrivertam



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Gen, Malachite - Freeform, Malachite Dildo, Moneypenny is mentioned, Q drinking coffee, Sleepy Q, Some implied James Bond/Q, Talk about sex toys, Talking about object insertion, but i decided there wasn't enough to actually tag it in the realtionships tag, rocks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 00:45:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9632195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10moonymhrivertam/pseuds/10moonymhrivertam
Summary: Have sleepy!Q offhandedly mentioning a malachite dildo to James Bond.Originally posted on tumblr after my friend, therealpigfarts23, discovered A Certain Post: http://10moonymhrivertam.tumblr.com/post/156784357654/a-00q-fic





	

**Author's Note:**

> After my friend found this post: http://phocupcake.tumblr.com/post/155459151783/the-emef-astolat-badscienceshenanigans   
> I mentioned that Q would totally be a fan of it.

Some nights, Q felt a confusing mix of rage and fondness for the 00s. This had to be his fourth or fifth night in a row spent awake - at any rate, he’d switched to coffee rather than tea, bleary green eyes fixed on his desktop. He made swift, practiced keystrokes, switching to the next CCTV feed whenever Bond moved to the edge of a camera.

Bond was having a rare quiet moment, which was lulling Q into acting more like a zombie than the Quartermaster of MI6. His eyes were unfocused, but moved with Bond’s movement, watching him weave through the stalls of some foreign market. Just a diplomatic mission, at least for the moment, checking in on undercover agents or other forms of informant - Bond had been in the area after his last mission and willing to (insisting on) not immediately be(ing) transported home.

“What are you looking at?” Q asked eventually, sipping at his coffee and making a face, reaching blindly for the sugar packets he kept in a drawer of his desk.

Bond hummed thoughtfully, pondering his answer. “A gift,” he said finally. “For someone back home.” He drew closer to a stall. “I’ve been looking at green things.”

“Mm, I was starting to think you had a theme going.” Q sipped at the coffee, making another face but making no move to do anything else to it. “What are you going to get her?”

“Who?” Bond asked, his eyes scanning the table - this one had a multitude of green things.

“Your friend,” Q explained with a vague wave of his free hand, too tired to remember hand gestures were a waste of energy.

“Well, that’s not what I meant, but now that you mention it, if Moneypenny sees  _ him _ with something, she’s going to want something, too…”

Q frowned. “If you’re getting something for one of the other 00s, shouldn’t you be somewhere besides all this jewelry?”

Q watched Bond shake his head, and despite the frankly awful quality of the footage, Q thought he saw Bond smirk, thought he heard him mutter something about the cluelessness of Quartermasters who were kept away from their cats too long.

“Shut up,” Q ordered, sipping his coffee again. “Just - tell me about whatever catches your interest, the minions are looking at me like they think I’m about to fall asleep on the keyboard.”

Bond chuckled, and he ran his fingers over a necklace. He didn’t pick it up, but he tapped the green bits on the necklace and a few other pieces of jewelry, asking something in a language Q was too tired to attempt deciphering.

“Malachite. The jewelry,” Bond said, and Q started as he realized that was addressed to him. The Quartermaster hummed in acknowledgement. “Malachite’s poisonous, isn’t it? Perhaps I should get some for Moneypenny, she’d like that.”

“It’s only poisonous if you breathe it in while you’re -” Q yawned, “cutting or polishing it,” he finished.

“Is it?” Q couldn’t decide if Bond sound amused or fascinated.

“Yes, the - um -” Q turned to one of his other screens, bringing up his favorite web browser and searching through his bookmarks. When he had brought up the appropriate page, he squinted at the screen and began to  read . “ There’s no toxicology warnings about malachite. Copper oxide nanoparticles are poisonous. So you would want to wash the thing off before you had sex with it .” He yawned again, so it took him a minute to register Bond’s dead silence. He was deeply confused about it until -

“No one said anything about having sex with a rock.”

A hot blush crept over Q’s cheeks.

“You sound like you’re reading. Why are you reading about having sex with a rock?”

“Because the horny and the smart like to have orgies on tumblr,” he sneered. He instantly regretted his word choice and hid behind his mug despite the fact that Bond couldn’t see him.

“The horny and the smart like to have orgies on tumblr,” Bond echoed.

“For God’s sake, Bond, they just wanted to know if they could use dildo-shaped malachite in a vagina without giving the owner of said vagina a rash or infection!”

“….Could they?”

Q was caught a little off-guard. “Ah - they concluded there was a high risk of fucking up your vaginal flora. Biochemically, no disasters would happen using it as an anal dildo, but - it wasn’t recommended.”

There was quiet for a long time, and then - 

“Hm, no, Moneypenny hates jewelry if it’s not from her boyfriend, anyway. Perhaps a new pen knife. Or something for her desk.”

**Author's Note:**

> When Q reads about the copper oxide nanoparticles, that's lifted directly from the post. Hope you enjoyed~


End file.
